On Saturday afternoons, when I was about ten, my father often took me to a tiny sandwich shop in downtown
While they played cards, I killed time playing a pinball machine2 that glowed in a dark corner. The machine mimicked bingo3, and if you won a certain number of games, the owner paid you for them. This was back in the ‘60s and we were living on public assistance, so once, when I won four dollars, the thrill permeated4 my being.
I didn’t fully realize it at the time, but my father was a compulsive5 gambler—craps6, horses and cards. At times I did see the effects of his addiction7. Household items would disappear, pawned8 to get a stake9 or to pay debts. And I felt it in the tension between him and my mother.
Apart from my pinball days, I did not gamble until I was about 30 and casinos10 came to
That first time, I went to play the slots11 just for fun. But when three flaming sevens came up and the machine spewed out 500 quarters12, I stood wide-eyed, my heart in a gallop. The attraction was elemental—something deep in my blood, like love or fever.
I had a woodworking business then and didn’t make a lot of money, but I found myself visiting the casinos more and more often. I gave up slot machines for cards. Blackjack13 was my game, and if I was winning, I’d stay at a table all night.
Early one morning I found myself sitting with $
Occasionally I won lesser amounts, but losses were the norm. After a while I was afraid to add it up—I knew it was thousands. Still, I craved the bright overhead lights, the smooth GREen felt and the steady fall of the cards. And so I kept going back to the tables to feed my secret hunger.
I never felt that I had a “problem.” I was not one of those people. I had money in the bank. I hadn’t pawned my machinery. And my wife didn’t know the depth of my habit.
One night in early winter 1994, I brought $1000 with me to
Still, I went to an ATM15 and got another $1000. Then I went to a $100 minimum table and sat down, determined to win back all my money—the blood pounding in my head.
I lost eight straight hands16. In a daze I somehow managed to push myself away from the table and headed to the nearest exit, an ugly anger building in my stomach. Half-blind, I collided with a woman and knocked a bucket of quarters from her hands—they poured onto the carpeted floor in a metallic splash. I did not stop, did not apologize.
Out in the parking lot, I leaned my head against the cool steel of my car. Then I started to kick it. Again and again.
Finally I got in and began driving home to
I was lying on an old battered sofa. On the other side of our small living room, pushed into a corner, was a Christmas tree. All of a sudden the front door was flung open and my father stumbled through, knocking over the tree.
Somehow I knew what had happened—he had lost big money. He began yelling in a rage17 at his luck, his stupidity, fate and the cards. He kicked the tree and began to trample the presents. And then he collapsed into a chair and sobbed.
We all have obsessions and compulsions18, and I can’t pretend to know exactly what demons assailed my father, but I now fully understood which ones were driving me.
As I pulled up to my house and parked my car, tears welled up in my eyes19. I didn’t want my loved ones to experience the shame, disappointment and guilt that I had. Nor did I ever again want to feel the misery I felt now.
At that moment I made a bet with myself: You’ll never be able to stay away from the tables. It was an audacious wager against my better nature—a kind of inverted vow. One I found that I had to make again each morning. But thank God it’s a bet I have “lost” for some 2600 sunrises.
From Reader’s Digest, December 2001
Notes:
1. 金罗美牌戏（一种较简单的牌戏，以得同色花10张牌为胜，全手牌少于10点时可摊牌叫停）；
2. 弹球机，弹子机；
3. 宾戈游戏（一种彩票式的游戏，玩者使用一张有数字的牌，把开叫的号码记录在牌上。若牌上所有号码被开叫便可获胜。）；
4. 弥漫，渗透；
5. 不能自拔的；
6. 双骰子赌博的游戏；
7. 癖好，做某事或对某物已上瘾；
8. 典当，抵押；
9. 赌金；
10. 夜总会，赌场；
11. 玩老虎机（投硬币式的赌法）；
12. 两角五分的硬币；
13. 二十一点牌（一种坐庄牌戏，玩者力争取得21点总牌点，或比发牌人更接近21点，但不能超过）；
14. （用于纸牌或赌博中的）圆形筹码；
15. 动取款机（Automated Teller Machine）；
16. 八手牌；
17. 怒气冲天；
18. 无法摆脱的意念和冲动；
19. 眼泪夺眶而出
