Michael: I called because I met someone.
Julianne: Well, that’s GREat. That’s great ’cause you haven’t really seen anybody, have you — since 1)dingbat Jenny Lee.
Michael: No, you don’t understand. I’ve never felt this way about anybody. I mean, she’s all wrong for me.
Julianne: Well, there’s a good start.
Michael: Well no, I mean, she’s a junior at the University of Chicago. She’s 20. Her name’s Kim. Jules, you’re gonna to love her. She’s beautiful and her dad is this billionaire and he owns the White 2)Sox and some cable empire and, you know, I’ve always been kind of uncomfortable around rich people.
Julianne: Sure.
Michael: But they’re not like that. They’re such wonderful people. Really, 3)salt of the earth.
Julianne: So you’ve met her parents?
Michael: Yeah.
Julianne: Umhmm...
Michael: Jules, we’re getting married this Sunday. Hello? Hello?
Julianne: Michael....
Michael: Hello?
George: Listen, Jules, why don’t we just stop and have a drink and you can take a later flight?
Julianne: No, no, no, no. I’m a busy girl. I’ve got exactly four days to 4)break up a wedding, steal the bride’s 5)fella, and I haven’t one clue how to do it. He adored me for nine goddamn years, Me!
George: I can see why.
Julianne: Look, she has known him for what? Five seconds? OK, plus she’s got billions of dollars, plus she’s apparently perfect. OK, so don’t go feeling all sorry for Miss Preteen Illinois. I can’t lose him, George. I’m gonna bring him back.
Kimmy: Oh, this just makes everything so perfect! From the day I met Michael, all I’ve heard is Julianne this and Julianne that. I’ve never had a sister. (While driving) Right up, I have this 6)monstrous favor to ask you.
Julianne: Excuse me?
Kimmy: My best friend Angeline shattered her 7)pelvis line-dancing in Abilene over spring break. Be my maid of honor?
Julianne: What! Shouldn’t you promote a 8)bridesmaid or someone that you’ve known for at least 45 minutes?
Kimmy: My bridesmaids are my only two female relatives under the age of 40, debutante sisters from Nashville who are basically 9)vengeful 10)sluts. Oh my exit! So this means I have four days to make you my new best friend. It’s time for you to force yourself to get personal.
Kimmy’s mother: George?
George: Yes, darling?
Kimmy’s mother: How did you and Julianne meet?
Julianne: George is my editor.
George: Yes. But Poofy, we met a long time before that. Actually, it’s a very romantic story. Would you like to tell it, Sweet Pea?
Julianne: No, it’s private.
George: Hmm, not anymore. I first met Julianne in a mental institution. Julianne was obviously seeing some French chef she’d sent 11)insane with a bad review. And I was there visiting Dionne Warwick.
Kimmy’s mother: Dionne Warwick?
George: Well yes, he thought he was Dionne Warwick.
Man 1: Who is Dionne Warwick?
George: Uh, 12)sacrilege, darling.
Sister: She’s Whitney Houston’s aunt.
Man 2: She’s very good on the 13)psychic friend’s network.
Michael: Isn’t she?
Sisters: (singing) Do you know the way to San Jose, la, la, la...
George: So there I was with Dionne, whose real name by the way is Jerry. We were having one hell of sing-song, and suddenly breezing through the doors from the electric shock 14)therapy room, I saw her. A vision in pink...
Michael: Pink? You don’t wear pink.
George: Oh, she does, Michael, sometimes. She does wear pink.
Julianne: George...
George: You do.
Julianne: I do.
George: I said to Dionne, ＂Dionne, who is this vision? Quesce c’est vision? Surely she must be the 15)understudy to some fabulous Broadway star, I mean, look at her skin! Who does her hair?＂ And in that moment, I knew....
Julianne: OK, we don’t all need to know what you...
All: Oh yes, we do... We’d love to know...Yes!
Michael: I’m very curious.
George: They do. I knew that some day we’d end up like this, like some glittering Doris Day, Rock Hudson 16)extravaganza. I said to Dionne, ＂Dionne, I’m in love. Could this 17)siren love me? Are the gods so kind?＂ And Dionne turned to me, opened her lovely eyes and said...
Woman: What did she say?
George: (singing) The moment I wake up, before I put on my makeup...
Kimmiy’s mother: (singing) I say a little pray for you.
George: (singing) While combing my hair now, while wondering what dress to wear now...
Sisters: (singing) I say a little prayer for you.
All: (singing) For ever and ever, you’ll stay in my heart, and I do love you. For ever and ever, we never will part. Oh how I love you, together forever. That’s how it must feel to be without you...
Kimmy’s father: (singing) It’d only be heartbreak for me...
Kimmy: How is he?
Julianne: Well, he’s sort of wondering why you haven’t told your parents that the wedding’s off?
Kimmy: Well, I don’t know. I’m still hoping for a miracle, I suppose. I mean, how could he think that my father and I would do such a thing?
Julianne: I only 18)minored in psych, you understand. Maybe Michael couldn’t commit to this marriage so he created a 19)delusion, produced an 20)unconscious 21)psychosomatic 22)manifestation of... I’m better with food. OK, you’re Michael. You’re in a fancy French restaurant. You order creme brulee for dessert. It’s beautiful, it’s sweet, it’s irritatingly perfect. But suddenly Michael realizes he doesn’t want creme brulee, he wants something else.
Kimmy: What does he want?
Julianne: 23)Jello.
Kimmy: Jello? Why does he want jello?
Julianne: Because he’s comfortable with jello. Jello makes him comfortable. I realize compared to creme brulee, it’s jello. But maybe that’s what he needs.
Kimmy: I could be jello.
Julianne: No, creme brulee can never be jello, you could never be jello.
Kimmy: I have to be jello.
Julianne: You’re never gonna be jello. Now you need to come clean with your parents because if you’re waiting for that, ＂Do you take this man＂ part, it’s considered poor form.
Kimmy: I love him. And whatever delusions I drove Michael to, there’s truth at the heart of it. You see, I want him to work for my father. I want to stay in school and I want a life of my own. Please tell him that it’s my fault and that I love him. You’re the only person that I trust.
Julianne: I’ll be right back.
Kimmy: Thank you.
Michael: Do you think she still loves me?
Julianne: Love, umm well, it’s a strong word and I don’t know that I’m necessarily qualified as a... I mean, I guess I wouldn’t be totally 24)off base if I said that in her way she does possess strong feelings...
Michael: Jules.
Julianne: Sure, she does, Michael. She’s crazy about you.
Boys: (sing) You fill up my senses like a night in the forest, like the mountains in spring time...
Michael: Tell her that I’ll marry her at six o’clock if she’ll still have me. Please.
Julianne: I’ll be right, right back.
Boys: (sing) Come love me again.
