American Beauty script
BallINT. FITTS HOUSE - RICKY\'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
On VIDEO: JANE BURNHAM lays in bed, wearing a tank top. She\'s sixteen, with
dark, intense eyes.
JANE
I need a father who\'s a role model, not some horny geek-boy who\'s gonna spray
his shorts whenever I bring a girlfriend home from school.
(snorts)
What a lame-o. Somebody really should put him out of his misery.
Her mind wanders for a beat.
RICKY (O.C.)
Want me to kill him for you?
Jane looks at us and sits up.
JANE
(deadpan)
Yeah, would you?
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
EXT. ROBIN HOOD TRAIL - EARLY MORNING
We\'re FLYING above suburban America, DESCENDING SLOWLY toward a tree-lined
street.
lESTER (V.O.)
My name is Lester Burnham. This is my neighborhood. This is my street. This...
is my life. I\'m forty-two years old. In less than a year, I\'ll be dead.
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
We\'re looking down at a king-sized BED from OVERHEAD:
LESTER BURNHAM lies sleeping amidst expensive bed linens, face down, wearing
PAJAMAS. An irritating ALARM CLOCK RINGS. Lester gropes blindly to shut it off.
LESTER (V.O.)
Of course, I don\'t know that yet. He rolls over, looks up at us and sighs. He
doesn\'t seem too thrilled at the prospect of a new day.
LESTER (V.O.) (cont\'d)
And in a way, I\'m dead already.
He sits up and puts on his slippers.
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - MASTER BATH - MOMENTS LATER
Lester thrusts his face directly into a steaming hot shower.
ANGLE from outside the shower: Lester\'s naked body is silhouetted through the
fogged-up glass door. It becomes apparent he is masturbating.
LESTER (V.O.)
(amused)
Look at me, jerking off in the shower.
(then)
This will be the high point of my day. It\'s all downhill from here.
EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
CLOSE on a single, dewy AMERICAN BEAUTY ROSE. A gloved hand with CLIPPERS
appears and SNIPS the flower off.
CAROLYN BURNHAM tends her rose bushes in front of the Burnham house. A very
well-put together woman of forty, she wears color-coordinated gardening togs and
has lots of useful and expensive tools.
Lester watches her through a WINDOW on the first floor, peeping out through the
drapes.
LESTER (V.O.)
That\'s my wife Carolyn. See the way the handle on those pruning shears matches
her gardening clogs? That\'s not an accident.
EXT. JIMS\' HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
In the fenced front yard of the house next door, a dog BARKS repeatedly. A MAN
in a conservative suit (JIM #1) chastises the barking dog.
JIM #1
Hush, Bitsy. You hush. What is wrong?
LESTER (V.O.)
That\'s our next-door neighbor Jim.
A second MAN in a conservative suit (JIM #2) comes out of the house.
LESTER (V.O.) (cont\'d)
And that\'s his lover, Jim.
JIM #2
(re: barking dog)
What in the world is wrong with her? She had a walk this morning.
JIM #1
And a jerky treat.
JIM #2
You spoil her.
(sternly)
Bitsy. No bark. Come inside. Now.
EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Lester watches all this from the window.
CAROLYN
Good morning, Jim!
Jim #1 walks toward the fence to GREet Carolyn.
JIM #1
Morning, Carolyn.
CAROLYN
(overly friendly)
I just love your tie! That color!
JIM #1
I just love your roses. How do you get them to flourish like this?
CAROLYN
Well, I\'ll tell you. Egg shells and Miracle Grow.
Jim #1 and Carolyn continue to chat, unaware that Lester is watching them.
LESTER (V.O.)
Man. I get exhausted just watching her.
Lester\'s POV: We can\'t hear what Jim and Carolyn are saying, but she\'s overly
animated, like a TV talk show host.
LESTER (V.O.) (cont\'d)
She wasn\'t always like this. She used to be happy. We used to be happy.
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - JANE\'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
JANE is seated at her desk, working at her computer.
LESTER (V.O.)
My daughter Jane. Only child.
CLOSE on the COMPUTER MONITOR: A PERSONAL BANKING SOFTWARE window suddenly
disappears to reveal another window: a PLASTIC SURGERY WEBSITE, featuring
clinical "before" and "after" photos of surgically augmented breasts.
LESTER (V.O.) (cont\'d)
Janie\'s a pretty typical teenager. Angry, insecure, confused. I wish I could
tell her that\'s all going to pass...
Outside, a CAR HORN BLARES. Jane stuffs items into her BACKPACK.
LESTER (V.O.) (cont\'d)
But I don\'t want to lie to her.
We HEAR the CAR HORN again from outside. Jane studies herself in a mirror, then
shifts to get a good profile of her breasts.
EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Carolyn stands next to a platinum-colored MERCEDES-BENZ ML320, reaching in
through the drivers\' window to blow the HORN again.
Jane shuffles out of the house, her backpack slung over her shoulder.
CAROLYN
Jane. Honey. Are you trying to look unattractive?
JANE
Yes.
CAROLYN
Well, congratulations. You\'ve succeeded admirably.
Jane gets in the car. Lester hurries out the front door, carrying a BRIEFCASE.
CAROLYN (cont\'d)
Lester, could you make me a little later, please? Because I\'m not quite late
enough.
Lester\'s briefcase suddenly springs open and his papers spill all over the
driveway. He drops to his knees to gather everything.
JANE
Nice going, Dad.
Lester smiles sheepishly, trying to lighten the moment.
His POV: Carolyn looks down at us, contemptuous but also bored, as if she gave
up expecting anything more long ago.
LESTER (V.O.)
Both my wife and daughter think I\'m this gigantic loser, and... they\'re right.
INT. MERCEDES-BENZ ML320 - A SHORT TIME LATER
Carolyn is driving; Jane stares out the window. Lester is asleep in the back
seat.
LESTER (V.O.)
I have lost something. I\'m not exactly sure what it is, but I know I didn\'t
always feel this... sedated. But you know what? It\'s never too late to get it
back.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
Lester sits at his workstation, a BEIGE CUBICLE surrounded by IDENTICAL BEIGE
CUBICLES. He\'s staring at a computer monitor and talking on a HEADSET PHONE. The
beleaguered expression on his face is at odds with the light, friendly tone of
his voice.
LESTER
Hello, this is Lester Burnham from Media Monthly magazine, I\'m calling for Mr.
Tamblin, please?... Well, we\'re all under a deadline here, uh, but you see,
there is some basic information about the product launch that isn\'t even covered
in your press release and I... Yeah. Can I ask you a question? Who is Tamblin?
Does he exist? \'Cause he doesn\'t ever seem to come in... Yeah, okay, I\'ll leave
my number...
BRAD, a dapper man in his thirties, approaches and observes Lester, who is
unaware of his presence.
LESTER (cont\'d)
It\'s 555 0199. Lester Burnham. Thank you!
Lester disconnects the call, obviously irritated.
BRAD
Hey Les. You got a minute?
Lester turns around, smiling perfunctorily
LESTER
For you, Brad? I\'ve got five.
INT. BRAD\'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
Brad is seated behind his desk in his big corner office.
BRAD
I\'m sure you can understand our need to cut corners around here.
Lester sits across from him, looking small and isolated.
LESTER
Oh, sure. Times are tight, and you gotta free up cash. Gotta spend money to make
money. Right?
BRAD
Exactly. So...
Brad stands, ready to usher Lester out.
LESTER
(blurts)
Like the time when Mr. Flournoy used the company MasterCard to pay for that
hooker, and then she used the card numbers and stayed at the St. Regis for, what
was it, like, three months?
BRAD
(startled)
That\'s unsubstantiated gossip.
LESTER
That\'s fifty thousand dollars. That\'s somebody\'s salary. That\'s somebody who\'s
gonna get fired because Craig has to pay women to fuck him!
BRAD
Jesus. Calm down. Nobody\'s getting fired yet. That\'s why we\'re having everyone
write out a job description, mapping out in detail how they contribute. That
way, management can assess who\'s valuable and--
LESTER
Who\'s expendable.
BRAD
It\'s just business.
LESTER
(angry)
I\'ve been writing for this magazine for fourteen years, Brad. You\'ve been here
how long, a whole month?
BRAD
(frank)
I\'m one of the good guys, Les. I\'m trying to level with you. This is your one
chance to save your job.
Lester stares at him, powerless.
EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE - LATE AFTERNOON
A MOVING VAN is parked in front of the COLONIAL HOUSE next door to the
Burnhams\'. Movers carry furniture toward the house.
The Mercedes-Benz pulls into the Burnham driveway. Carolyn drives, Lester is in
the passenger seat.
CAROLYN
--there is no decision, you just write the damn thing!
LESTER
You don\'t think it\'s weird and kinda fascist?
CAROLYN
Possibly. But you don\'t want to be unemployed.
LESTER
Oh, well, let\'s just all sell our souls and work for Satan, because it\'s more
convenient that way.
CAROLYN
Could you be just a little bit more dramatic, please, huh?
As they get out of the car, Carolyn scopes out the MOVERS next door.
CAROLYN (cont\'d)
So we\'ve finally got new neighbors. You know, if the Lomans had let me represent
them, instead of--
(heavy disdain)
--"The Real Estate King," that house would never have sat on the market for six
months.
She heads into the house, followed by Lester.
LESTER
Well, they were still mad at you for cutting down their sycamore.
CAROLYN
Their sycamore? C\'mon! A substantial portion of the root structure was on our
property. You know that. How can you call it their sycamore? I wouldn\'t have the
heart to just cut down something if it wasn\'t partially mine, which of course it
was.
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - DINING ROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
We HEAR EASY-LISTENING MUSIC.
Lester, Carolyn and Jane are eating dinner by CANDLELIGHT. RED ROSES are bunched
in a vase at the center of the table. Nobody makes eye contact, or even seems
aware of anybody else\'s presence, until...
JANE
Mom, do we always have to listen to this elevator music?
CAROLYN
(considers)
No. No, we don\'t. As soon as you\'ve prepared a nutritious yet savory meal that
I\'m about to eat, you can listen to whatever you like.
A long beat. Lester suddenly turns to Jane.
LESTER
So Janie, how was school?
JANE
(suspicious)
It was okay.
LESTER
Just okay?
JANE
No, Dad. It was spec-tac-ular.
A beat.
LESTER
Well, you want to know how things went at my job today?
Now she looks at him as if he\'s lost his mind.
LESTER (cont\'d)
They\'ve hired this efficiency expert, this really friendly guy named Brad, how
perfect is that? And he\'s basically there to make it seem like they\'re justified
in firing somebody, because they couldn\'t just come right out and say that,
could they? No, no, that would be too... honest. And so they\'ve asked us--
(off her look)
--you couldn\'t possibly care any less, could you?
Carolyn is watching this closely.
JANE
(uncomfortable)
Well, what do you expect? You can\'t all of a sudden be my best friend, just
because you had a bad day.
She gets up and heads toward the kitchen.
JANE (cont\'d)
I mean, hello. You\'ve barely even spoken to me for months.
She\'s gone. Lester notices Carolyn looking at him critically.
LESTER
Oh, what, you\'re mother-of-the-year? You treat her like an employee.
CAROLYN
(taken aback)
What?!
Lester is quiet, staring at his plate.
CAROLYN (cont\'d)
(more authority)
What?
Lester gets up and starts after Jane, taking his plate with him.
LESTER
I\'m going to get some ice cream.
Carolyn watches him go, irritated.
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Jane stands at the sink, rinsing off her plate. Lester enters.
LESTER
Honey, I\'m sorry. I...
Jane turns and stares at him, waiting for him to finish.
LESTER (cont\'d)
I\'m sorry I haven\'t been more available, I just... I\'m...
He\'s looking to her for a little help here, but she\'s too uncomfortable with
this sudden intimacy to give him any.
LESTER (cont\'d)
(finally)
You know, you don\'t always have to wait for me to come to you...
JANE
Oh, GREat. So now it\'s my fault?
LESTER
I didn\'t say that. It\'s nobody\'s fault. Janie, what happened? You and I used to
be pals.
EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
On VIDEO: We\'re looking through GREENHOUSE WINDOWS at Lester and Jane in the
kitchen We can\'t hear what they\'re saying, but it\'s obvious it\'s not going well.
Jane puts her plate in the dishwasher and leaves. We FOLLOW HER out the door,
then the camera JERKS back to Lester calling after her.
CLOSE on the face of RICKY FITTS, illuminated by the screen of his DIGICAM as he
videotapes. Ricky is eighteen, but his eyes are much older. Beneath his Zen-like
tranquility lurks something wounded... and dangerous.
His POV, on VIDEO: Through the kitchen window, we see Lester at the sink,
rinsing off his plate, muttering to himself. His head suddenly jerks up and he
looks at us, as if he realizes he\'s being watched.
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Lester\'s POV: We\'re looking out through the kitchen window at the point where
Ricky was just standing, but he\'s no longer there.
Lester turns off the faucet, dries his hands, then tosses the towel on the
counter on his way out, where it lands next to a framed PHOTOGRAPH of Lester,
Carolyn, and a much-younger Jane, taken several years earlier at an amusement
park.
It\'s startling how happy they look.
EXT. SALE HOUSE - DAY
CLOSE on a wooden SIGN that reads:
OPEN HOUSE TODAY
BURNHAM & ASSOCIATES REALTY
555-0195 Carolyn Burnham
The sign is planted in front of a RUN-DOWN HOME in a run-down neighborhood. The
Mercedes is parked in front of the house. Carolyn, wearing a smart business
suit, is unloading a box of cleaning supplies and a BOOMBOX from the back of the
Mercedes when something across the street catches her eye.
Her POV: In front of a different house with much more curb appeal is another
SIGN, featuring a picture of a handsome silver-haired MAN. It reads:
Another One SOLD By Buddy Kane
The Real Estate King 555-0100
Carolyn frowns and slams the back of the Mercedes shut.
INT. SALE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
The interior of this house is ugly, oppressive and tasteless. Carolyn opens the
front door, breathes deeply and solemnly announces:
CAROLYN
I will sell this house today.
She neatly arranges her sales materials on a desk, then strips down to her
undergarments.
MONTAGE:
We see Carolyn, working with fierce concentration as she:
Cleans glass doors that overlook the patio and pool;
Doggedly scrubs countertops in the kitchen;
Perches on a stepladder to dust a cheap-looking ceiling fan in the master
bedroom;
And vacuums a dirty carpet that will never be clean.
Throughout all this, she keeps repeating to herself:
CAROLYN
I will sell this house today. I will sell this house today. I will sell this
house today.
INT. SALE HOUSE - BATHROOM - LATER
Carolyn stands in front of the mirror, wearing her suit once more, applying
lipstick. She stares at her reflection critically.
CAROLYN
I will sell this house today.
She says this as if it were a threat, then notices a smudge on the mirror and
wipes it off.
EXT. SALE HOUSE - FRONT YARD - LATER
The front door opens to reveal Carolyn, GREeting us with the smile she thinks
could sell ice to an Eskimo.
CAROLYN
Welcome. I\'m Carolyn Burnham!
INT. SALE HOUSE - FOYER - CONTINUOUS
Smiling, Carolyn leads a man and woman into the living room. They\'re thirtyish,
and they\'ve seen a lot of houses today.
CAROLYN
This living room is very dramatic. Wait \'til you see the native stone fireplace!
The man and woman glance around the dark room, unimpressed.
CAROLYN (cont\'d)
A simple cream would really lighten things up. You could even put in a skylight.
The woman wrinkles her face, skeptical.
CAROLYN (cont\'d)
Well, why don\'t we go into the kitchen?
INT. SALE HOUSE - KITCHEN - LATER
Carolyn enters, followed by a different couple in their fifties.
CAROLYN
It\'s a dream come true for any cook. Just filled with positive energy. Huh?
INT. SALE HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - LATER
Carolyn stands with a different couple: African American, late twenties. The
woman is pregnant.
CAROLYN
...and you\'ll be surprised how much a ceiling fan can cut down on your energy
costs.
EXT. SALE HOUSE - BACK YARD - LATER
Carolyn stands by the pool next to two fortyish WOMEN.
CAROLYN
You know, you could have some really fun backyard get-togethers out here.
WOMAN #1
The ad said this pool was "lagoon-like." There\'s nothing "lagoon-like" about it.
Except for maybe the bugs.
WOMAN #2
There\'s not even any plants out here.
CAROLYN
(re: shrub)
What do you call this? Is this not a plant? If you have a problem with the
plants, I can always call my landscape architect. Solved.
WOMAN #2
I mean, I think "lagoon," I think waterfall, I think tropical. This is a cement
hole.
A beat.
CAROLYN
I have some tiki torches in the garage.
INT. SALE HOUSE - SUN ROOM - LATER
Carolyn enters, alone. She\'s furious. She locks the sliding glass door and
starts to pull the vertical blinds shut, then stops. Standing very still, with
the blinds casting shadows across her face, she starts to cry: brief, staccato
SOBS that seemingly escape against her will. Suddenly she SLAPS herself, hard.
CAROLYN
Shut up. Stop it. You... Weak!
But the tears continue. She SLAPS herself again.
CAROLYN (cont\'d)
Weak. Baby. Shut up. Shut up! Shut up!
She SLAPS herself repeatedly until she stops crying. She stands there, taking
deep breaths until she has everything under control, then pulls the blinds shut,
once again all business. She walks out calmly, leaving us alone in the dark,
empty room.
We HEAR CHEERING and APPLAUSE.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT
We\'re at a high-school BASKETBALL GAME. Teenage boys play a fast and furious
game. One team wearing pale blue and white uniforms scores a basket. Perky
cheerleaders jump up and down as the CROWD goes wild.
Seated in the bleachers, next to the high school BAND, is a group of about
twenty TEENAGE GIRLS, dressed in pale blue and white uniforms. Among them, Jane
sits next to ANGELA HAYES. At sixteen, Angela is strikingly beautiful; with
perfect even features, blonde hair and a nubile young body, she\'s the archetypal
American dream girl.
Jane stands and scans the bleachers.
ANGELA
Who are you looking for?
JANE
My parents are coming tonight. They\'re trying to, you know, take an active
interest in me.
ANGELA
Gross. I hate it when my mom does that.
JANE
They\'re such assholes. Why can\'t they just have their own lives?
INT. MERCEDES-BENZ ML320 - CONTINUOUS
Carolyn drives. Lester is slumped in the passenger seat.
LESTER
What makes you so sure she wants us to be there? Did she ask us to come?
CAROLYN
Of course not. She doesn\'t want us to know how important this is to her. But
she\'s been practicing her steps for weeks.
LESTER
Well, I bet money she\'s going to resent it. And I\'m missing the James Bond
marathon on TNT.
CAROLYN
Lester, this is important. I\'m sensing a real distance growing between you and
Jane.
LESTER
Growing? She hates me.
CAROLYN
She\'s just willful.
LESTER
She hates you too.
Carolyn stares at him, unsure of how to respond.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - LATER
The uniformed girls now stand in formation on the gym floor.
ANNOUNCER
(over P.A.)
And now, for your half-time entertainment, Rockwell High\'s award-winning Dancing
Spartanettes!
In the crowded stands, Lester and Carolyn find seats.
LESTER
We can leave right after this, right?
The HIGH SCHOOL BAND plays "ON BROADWAY." On the gym floor, the girls perform.
They\'re well-rehearsed, but too young to carry off the ambitious Vegas routine
they\'re attempting.
Lester, watching from the stands, picks out his daughter.
His POV: Jane performs well, concentrating. Dancing awkwardly next to her is
Angela. Suddenly Angela looks right at us and smiles... a lazy, insolent smile.
Lester leans forward in his seat.
His POV: We\'re focused on Angela now. Everything starts to SLOW DOWN... the
MUSIC acquires an eerie ECHO...
We ZOOM slowly toward Lester as he watches, transfixed.
His POV: Angela\'s awkwardness gives way to a fluid grace, and "ON BROADWAY"
FADES into dreamy, hypnotic MUSIC. The light on Angela grows stronger, and the
other girls DISAPPEAR entirely.
Lester is suddenly alone in the stands, spellbound.
His POV: Angela looks directly at us now, dancing only for Lester. Her movements
take on a blatantly erotic edge as she starts to unzip her uniform, teasing us
with an expression that\'s both innocent and knowing, then... she pulls her
uniform OPEN and a profusion of RED ROSE PETALS spill forth... and we SMASH CUT
TO:
INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - CONTINUOUS
Angela, fully clothed, is once again surrounded by the other girls. The HIGH
SCHOOL BAND plays its last note, the Dancing Spartanettes strike their final
pose, and the audience APPLAUDS.
Carolyn claps along with the rest of the audience. Lester just sits there,
unable to take his eyes off Angela.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - LATER
The game is long over. Jane and Angela come out of the gym.
JANE
Oh shit, they\'re still here.
Her POV: Lester and Carolyn stand at the edge of the parking lot.
LESTER
Janie!
CAROLYN
Hi! I really enjoyed that!
She crosses reluctantly toward her parents, followed by Angela.
LESTER
Congratulations, honey, you were GREat.
JANE
I didn\'t win anything.
LESTER
(to Angela)
Hi, I\'m Lester. Janie\'s dad.
ANGELA
Oh. Hi.
An awkward beat.
JANE
This is my friend, Angela Hayes.
LESTER
Okay, good to meet you. You were also good tonight. Very... precise.
ANGELA
(warming)
Thanks.
CAROLYN
(to Angela)
Nice to meet you, Angela.
(to Jane)
Honey, I\'m so proud of you. I watched you very closely, and you didn\'t screw up
once.
(then, to Lester)
Okay, we have to go.
She starts toward the parking lot. Lester stays behind.
LESTER
So, what are you girls doing now?
JANE
Dad.
ANGELA
We\'re going out for pizza.
LESTER
Oh really, do you need a ride? We can give you a ride. I have a car. You wanna
come with us?
ANGELA
Thanks... but I have a car.
LESTER
Oh, you have a car. Oh. That\'s GREat! That\'s great, because Janie\'s thinking
about getting a car soon too, aren\'t you, honey?
JANE
(you freak)
Dad. Mom\'s waiting for you.
LESTER
Well, it was very nice meeting you, Angela. Any, uh, friend of Janie\'s is a
friend of mine.
Angela smiles, aware of the power she has over him. He is mesmerized; grateful,
even.
LESTER (cont\'d)
Well... I\'ll be seeing you around then.
Lester waves awkwardly as he crosses off.
JANE
Could he be any more pathetic?
ANGELA
I think it\'s sweet. And I think he and your mother have not had sex in a long
time.
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - A FEW HOURS LATER
CLOSE on a solitary red ROSE PETAL as it falls slowly through the air.
We\'re looking down on Lester and Carolyn in bed. Even in sleep, Carolyn looks
determined. Lester is awake and stares up at us.
LESTER
It\'s the weirdest thing.
The ROSE PETAL drifts into view, landing on his pillow.
LESTER (cont\'d)
I feel like I\'ve been in a coma for about twenty years, and I\'m just now waking
up.
More ROSE PETALS fall onto the bed, and he smiles up at...
His POV: Angela, naked, FLOATS above us as a deluge of ROSE PETALS falls around
her. Her hair fans out around her head and GLOWS with a subtle, burnished light.
She looks down at us with a smile that is all things...
Lester smiles back and LAUGHS, as ROSE PETALS cover his face.
LESTER (cont\'d)
Spec-tac-ular.
EXT. ROBIN HOOD TRAIL - CONTINUOUS
A WHITE BMW 328si CONVERTIBLE is parked on the street outside the Burnham\'s
house. We HEAR girlish LAUGHTER from inside.
INT. ANGELA\'S BMW - CONTINUOUS
Angela is behind the wheel, Jane in the passenger seat. They\'re passing a JOINT
back and forth.
JANE
I\'m sorry my dad was so weird tonight.
ANGELA
It\'s okay. I\'m used to guys drooling over me. It started when I was about
twelve, I\'d go out to dinner with my parents. Every Thursday night, Red Lobster.
And every guy there would stare at me when I walked in. And I knew what they
were thinking. Just like I knew guys at school thought about me when they jerked
off.
JANE
Vomit.
ANGELA
No, I liked it. And I still like it. If people I don\'t even know look at me and
want to fuck me, it means I really have a shot at being a model. Which is GREat,
because there\'s nothing worse in life than being ordinary.
An awkward beat. Jane stares at the floor.
JANE
I really think it\'ll happen for you.
ANGELA
Oh, I know. Because everything that was meant to happen, does. Eventually.
EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
On VIDEO: Jane gets out of the car, still LAUGHING, and waves as Angela pulls
away. We ZOOM toward Jane as she walks up the driveway. She turns suddenly,
sensing our presence.
Her POV: We\'re looking at the COLONIAL HOUSE next door where the moving van was
parked earlier. The front porch is shrouded in darkness... then a PORCH LIGHT
abruptly reveals Ricky. As usual, he\'s dressed conservatively. There is a BEEPER
attached to his belt, and his DIGICAM dangles loosely around his neck.
Irritated, Jane stares at him, hard.
JANE
Asshole.
He looks back at her curiously, then raises his Digicam and starts to videotape
her.
His POV, on VIDEO: Jane, angry and self-conscious, turns and walks quickly
toward her house, flipping us off as she goes.
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - FOYER - CONTINUOUS
Jane enters, closes and locks the door. She quickly TURNS OFF THE LIGHT that\'s
been left on for her, then peeks through a window.
Her POV: There\'s no sign of Ricky.
Jane turns back into the room, her heart racing... and smiles.
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - JANE\'S BEDROOM - THE NEXT MORNING
CLOSE on an ADDRESS BOOK: A man\'s hand flips to the H page and then his finger
stops at the name Angela Hayes.
Lester, dressed for work, goes through Jane\'s address book. We HEAR the SHOWER
running in the adjacent bathroom. He grabs Jane\'s phone and dials, then stands
with the receiver to his ear, nervous.
ANGELA
(over phone line)
Hello? Hello?
Lester is frozen, unable to speak. Suddenly, the SHOWER is turned off in the
next room. Lester hangs up and exits quickly. A moment, then the PHONE RINGS.
Jane emerges from the bathroom, a towel wrapped around her torso, drying her wet
hair. She picks up the PHONE.
JANE
Hello?
INT. HAYES HOUSE - ANGELA\'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Angela is sprawled across her bed, on the phone.
ANGELA
Why\'d you call me?
INTERCUT WITH JANE IN HER BEDROOM:
JANE
I didn\'t.
ANGELA
Well, my phone just rang and I answered it and somebody hung up and then I star
sixty-nined and it called you back.
JANE
I was in the shower.
Then Jane notices her address book open to the H page.
JANE (cont\'d)
Oh, gross.
EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
On VIDEO: We\'re across from Jane\'s WINDOW, looking in. Jane picks up the address
book, frowning. She speaks into the phone, but we can\'t hear her.
WOMAN\'S VOICE (O.C.)
(sing song)
Rick-y! Break-fast!
INT. FITTS HOUSE - RICKY\'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Ricky stands at his window, videotaping. He lowers his Digicam, but his eyes
remain locked on Jane across the way.
RICKY
Be right there.
INT. FITTS HOUSE - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
BARBARA FITTS stands at the stove, flipping bacon strips mechanically, her eyes
focused elsewhere. At least ten years younger than her husband, she\'s pretty in
a June Cleaver-ish way. The Colonel sits at a dinette reading The Wall Street
Journal. Ricky enters.
RICKY
Mom.
Startled, Barbara turns to him.
BARBARA
Hello.
As she attempts to serve him bacon:
RICKY
I don\'t eat bacon, remember?
BARBARA
(unnerved)
I\'m sorry, I must have forgotten.
Ricky serves himself scrambled eggs from another pan, then joins his father at
the table.
RICKY
What\'s new in the world, Dad?
COLONEL
This country is going straight to hell.
A DOORBELL rings. The Colonel and Barbara look at each other, alarmed.
COLONEL (cont\'d)
Are you expecting anyone?
BARBARA
No.
(thinks)
No.
The Colonel heads toward the living room, a little puffed up.
INT. FITTS HOUSE - FOYER - MOMENTS LATER
The Colonel opens the front door to reveal the two JIMS.
JIM #1
Hi.
JIM #2
Welcome to the neighborhood.
Jim #1 holds out a basket filled with flowers, vegetables and a small white
cardboard box tied with raffia.
JIM #1
Just a little something from our garden.
JIM #2
Except for the pasta, we got that at Fallaci\'s.
JIM #1
It\'s unbelievably fresh. You just drop it in the water and it\'s done.
The Colonel stares at them, suspicious.
JIM #1 (cont\'d)
(offers his hand)
Jim Olmeyer. Two doors down. Welcome to the neighborhood.
COLONEL
(shakes)
Colonel Frank Fitts, U.S. Marine Corps.
JIM #1
Nice to meet you. And this is my partner...
JIM #2
(offers his hand)
Jim Berkley, but people call me J.B.
COLONEL
Let\'s cut to the chase, okay? What are you guys selling?
JIM #2
(after a beat)
Nothing. We just wanted to say hi to our new neighbors--
COLONEL
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you said you\'re partners. So what\'s your business?
The Jims look at each other, then back at the Colonel.
JIM #1
Well, he\'s a tax attorney.
JIM #2
And he\'s an anesthesiologist.
The Colonel looks at them, confused. Then it dawns on him.
INT. COLONEL\'S FORD EXPLORER - LATER
The Colonel drives, staring darkly at the road ahead. In the passenger seat,
Ricky is using a CALCULATOR and jotting numbers down in a NOTEBOOK.
COLONEL
How come these faggots always have to rub it in your face? How can they be so
shameless?
RICKY
That\'s the whole thing, Dad. They don\'t feel like it\'s anything to be ashamed
of.
The Colonel looks at Ricky sharply.
COLONEL
Well, it is.
A beat, as Ricky continues his calculations, before he realizes a response is
expected from him. Then:
RICKY
Yeah, you\'re right.
The Colonel\'s eyes FLASH angrily.
COLONEL
Don\'t placate me like I\'m your mother, boy.
Ricky sighs, then looks at his father.
RICKY
Forgive me, sir, for speaking so bluntly, but those fags make me want to puke my
fucking guts out.
The Colonel is taken aback but quickly covers.
COLONEL
Me too, son. Me too.
Case closed, Ricky goes back to his calculations.
CLOSE on the pencil in his hands: He\'s totaling two columns of NUMBERS. Under
the column "Income" he writes in swift, bold strokes: $24,950.00.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL CAMPUS - A SHORT TIME LATER
Jane and Angela are standing with two other TEENAGE GIRLS.
ANGELA
I\'m serious, he just pulled down his pants and yanked it out. You know, like,
say hello to Mr. Happy.
TEENAGE GIRL #1
Gross.
ANGELA
It wasn\'t gross. It was kind of cool.
TEENAGE GIRL #1
So, did you do it with him?
ANGELA
Of course I did. He is a really well-known photographer? He shoots for Elle on
like, a regular basis? It would have been so majorly stupid of me to turn him
down.
TEENAGE GIRL #2
You are a total prostitute.
ANGELA
Hey. That\'s how things really are. You just don\'t know, because you\'re this
pampered little suburban chick.
TEENAGE GIRL #2
So are you. You\'ve only been in Seventeen once, and you looked fat, so stop
acting like you\'re goddamn Christy Turlington.
The two TEENAGE GIRLS move away from Jane and Angela.
ANGELA
(calling off)
Cunt!
(then)
I am so sick of people taking their insecurities out on me.
The Colonel\'s Ford Explorer pulls up, and Ricky gets out.
JANE
Oh my God. That\'s the pervert who filmed me last night.
ANGELA
Him? Jane. No way. He\'s a total lunatic.
JANE
You know him?
ANGELA
Yeah. We were on the same lunch shift when I was in ninth grade, and he would
always say the most random, weird things, and then one day, he was just like,
gone. And then, Connie Cardullo told me he his parents had to put him in a
mental institution.
JANE
Why? What did he do?
ANGELA
What do you mean?
JANE
Well, they can\'t put you away just for saying weird things.
Angela stares at Jane, then her mouth widens into a smile.
ANGELA
You total slut. You\'ve got a crush on him.
JANE
What? Please.
ANGELA
You were defending him! You love him. You want to have like, ten thousand of his
babies.
JANE
Shut up.
Jane suddenly finds Ricky standing in front of her.
RICKY
Hi. My name\'s Ricky. I just moved next door to you.
JANE
I know. I kinda remember this really creepy incident when you were filming me
last night?
RICKY
I didn\'t mean to scare you. I just think you\'re interesting.
Angela shoots a wide-eyed look at Jane, who ignores it.
JANE
Thanks, but I really don\'t need to have some psycho obsessing about me right
now.
RICKY
I\'m not obsessing. I\'m just curious.
He looks at her intently, his eyes searching hers. Jane is unnerved and has to
look away. Ricky smiles and walks off.
ANGELA
What a freak. And why does he dress like a Bible salesman?
JANE
He\'s like, so confident. That can\'t be real.
ANGELA
I don\'t believe him. I mean, he didn\'t even like, look at me once.
INT. FITTS HOUSE - DEN - THAT NIGHT
CLOSE on a TV SCREEN: "Hogan\'s Heroes" on Nick at Nite.
The Colonel and Barbara are seated on a couch, watching television. The Colonel
is smiling, enjoying the show; Barbara just stares. The Colonel CHUCKLES at a
joke and startles her.
We HEAR a door opening elsewhere in the house, and Ricky enters.
RICKY
Hey.
He sits on the couch, next to his father, and watches TV along with them. The
Colonel\'s smile fades.
BARBARA
(out of the blue)
I\'m sorry, what?
RICKY
Mom. Nobody said anything.
BARBARA
Oh. I\'m sorry.
The three of them stare at the TV, like strangers in an airport.
INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - NIGHT
We HEAR MUSIC under a room full of people all talking at once, as Lester and
Carolyn enter a hotel ballroom. We FOLLOW THEM as they pass a SIGN that reads:
GREATER ROCKWELL REALTOR RESOURCES GROUP
CAROLYN
--everyone here is with their spouse or their significant other. How would it
look if I showed up with no one?
LESTER
Well, you always end up ignoring me and going off--
Inside the ballroom, well-dressed real estate professionals stand in clumps,
chatting. Catering waiters serve hors d\'eouvres.
CAROLYN
Now listen to me. This is an important business function. As you know, my
business is selling an image. And part of my job is to live that image--
LESTER
Just say whatever you want to say and spare me the propaganda.
CAROLYN
(spots someone)
Hi, Shirley!
(to Lester)
Listen, just do me a favor. Act happy tonight?
LESTER
(grins stupidly)
I am happy, honey.
Carolyn\'s jaw tightens, then:
CAROLYN
(spots someone)
Oh! Buddy!
She drags Lester toward a silver-haired MAN and his much younger WIFE. We
recognize the Man as BUDDY KANE, The Real Estate King.
CAROLYN (cont\'d)
(shakes Buddy\'s hand)
Buddy! Buddy. Hi! Good to see you again.
BUDDY
It\'s so good to see you too, Catherine.
CAROLYN
Carolyn.
BUDDY
Carolyn! Of course. How are you?
CAROLYN
Very well, thank you.
(to his wife)
Hello, Christy.
CHRISTY
Hello.
CAROLYN
My husband, Lester--
BUDDY
(shakes Lester\'s hand)
It\'s a pleasure.
LESTER
Oh, we\'ve met before, actually. This thing last year. Or the Christmas thing at
the Sheraton.
BUDDY
Oh, yes.
LESTER
It\'s okay. I wouldn\'t remember me either.
He LAUGHS. A little too loudly. Carolyn quickly joins in.
CAROLYN
(forced gaiety)
Honey. Don\'t be weird.
She smiles her most winning smile at him. He knows this persona well, only it\'s
never pissed him off as much as it does right now.
LESTER
All right, honey. I won\'t be weird.
(his face close to hers)
I\'ll be whatever you want me to be.
And he kisses her--a soft, warm kiss that speaks unmistakably of sex--then turns
to the others and grins.
LESTER (cont\'d)
We have a very healthy relationship.
BUDDY
I see.
Carolyn\'s smile is frozen on her face.
LESTER
Well. I don\'t know about you, but I need a drink.
He crosses off. Carolyn, Buddy and Christy watch him go.
INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Lester stands at the bar. A bartender pours him a drink.
LESTER
Whoa. Put a little more in there, cowboy.
The bartender complies. Lester takes his drink and turns to face the center of
the room.
His POV: Carolyn is talking to Buddy and Christy. She\'s on: smiling, animated,
LAUGHING too loud at their jokes.
Lester shakes his head. Ricky approaches him, wearing a waiter\'s uniform,
carrying a tray of empty glasses.
RICKY
Excuse me. Don\'t you live on Robin Hood Trail? The house with the red door?
LESTER
(suspicious)
Yeah.
RICKY
I\'m Ricky Fitts. I just moved into the house next to you.
LESTER
Oh. Hi, Ricky Fitts. I\'m Lester Burnham.
RICKY
Hi, Lester Burnham.
A beat. Lester looks away, scans the crowd, then downs the rest of his drink in
one gulp. Ricky just stands there, watching him. Finally Lester turns back to
Ricky: what does this kid want?
RICKY (cont\'d)
Do you party?
LESTER
Excuse me?
RICKY
Do you get high?
Lester\'s surprised, but instantly intrigued.
INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Carolyn and Buddy are deep in conversation. Christy has wandered off. Carolyn is
nervous; Buddy seems amused.
CAROLYN
You know, I probably wouldn\'t even tell you this if I weren\'t a little tipsy,
but... I am in complete awe of you. I mean, your firm is, hands down, the Rolls
Royce of local Real Estate firms, and your personal sales record is, is, is very
intimidating. You know, I\'d love to sit down with you and just pick your brain,
if you\'d ever be willing. I suppose, technically, I\'m the "competition," but...
I mean, hey, I don\'t flatter myself that I\'m even in the same league as you...
BUDDY
I\'d love to.
CAROLYN
(shocked)
Really?
BUDDY
Absolutely. Call my secretary and have her schedule a lunch.
CAROLYN
I\'ll do that. Thank you.
They look at each other for a beat, then look away. This situation is loaded and
they both know it.
EXT. HOTEL - LATER
Ricky and Lester stand next to a dumpster behind the service entrance to the
hotel, smoking a JOINT.
LESTER
...did you ever see that movie, where the body\'s walking around holding its own
head? And then the head goes down on that babe?
RICKY
Re-Animator.
Suddenly, the service entrance opens, and a large CATERING BOSS in a cheap suit
peers out at them. Ricky hides the joint.
CATERING BOSS
(to Ricky)
Look. I\'m not paying you to...
(eyes Lester, suspiciously)
...do whatever it is you\'re doing out here.
RICKY
Fine. So don\'t pay me.
CATERING BOSS
Excuse me?
RICKY
I quit. So you don\'t have to pay me. Now, leave me alone.
CATERING BOSS
Asshole.
He goes back inside. Lester looks at Ricky, who shrugs.
LESTER
I think you just became my personal hero.
(then)
Doesn\'t that make you nervous, just quitting your job like that? Well, I guess
when you\'re all of, what? Sixteen?
RICKY
Eighteen.
(then)
I just do these gigs as a cover. I have other sources of income. But my dad
interferes less in my life when I pretend to be an upstanding young citizen with
a respectable job.
CAROLYN (O.C.)
Lester?
Carolyn is standing in the open service entrance. Lester quickly hides the joint
behind his back.
CAROLYN (cont\'d)
What are you doing?
LESTER
Honey, this is...
(laughs)
Ricky Fitts. This is Ricky Fitts.
RICKY
I\'m Ricky Fitts, I just moved in the house next to you. I go to school with your
daughter.
LESTER
With Jane? Really?
RICKY
Yeah. Jane.
CAROLYN
Hi.
(then, to Lester)
I\'m ready to go. I\'ll meet you out front.
And she goes back inside.
LESTER
Uh-oh. I\'m in trouble. Nice meeting you, Ricky Fitts. Thanks for the, uh, thing.
RICKY
Any time.
Lester goes inside.
RICKY (cont\'d)
(calls after him)
Lester. If you want any more, you know where I live.
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - FAMILY ROOM - LATER
Jane and Angela are watching MTV. We HEAR the back door open.
JANE
Oh, shit. They\'re home. Quick, let\'s go up to my room.
Jane switches off the TV.
ANGELA
I should say hi to your dad.
(off Jane\'s look)
I don\'t want to be rude.
She starts toward the kitchen. Jane doesn\'t like this.
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Lester enters and opens the refrigerator.
ANGELA (O.C.)
Nice suit.
He turns, and is instantly transfixed by:
His POV: Angela leans against the counter, twirling her hair.
ANGELA (cont\'d)
You\'re looking good, Mr. Burnham.
She starts toward him.
ANGELA (cont\'d)
Last time I saw you, you looked kind of wound up.
(spots something)
Ooh, is that root beer?
She reaches inside the refrigerator to grab a bottle. As she does, she moves to
place her other hand casually on Lester\'s shoulder. He sees it coming.
Everything SLOWS DOWN, and all sound FADES...
EXTREME CLOSE UP on her hand as it briefly touches his shoulder in SLOW MOTION.
We HEAR only the amplified BRUSH of her fingers against the fabric of his suit,
and its unnatural, hollow ECHO...
BACK IN REAL TIME: She grabs the root beer and smiles at him.
CLOSE on Lester: his eyes narrow slightly, then:
He cups her face in his hands and kisses her. She seems shocked, but doesn\'t
resist as he pulls her toward him with surprising strength. He breaks the kiss,
looking at her in awe, then he reaches up and touches his lips. His eyes widen
as he pulls a ROSE PETAL from his mouth right before we SMASH CUT TO:
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Angela is back against the counter, drinking the root beer. Lester stands by the
refrigerator, gazing at her, still lost in fantasy.
ANGELA
I love root beer, don\'t you?
Jane watches from the doorway to the family room, feeling incredibly awkward in
her own home. Carolyn enters from the dining room. Lester snaps out of it and
grabs a root beer from the refrigerator.
JANE
Mom, you remember Angela.
CAROLYN
(her sales smile)
Yes, of course!
JANE
I forgot to tell you, she\'s spending the night. Is that okay?
LESTER
Sure!
He takes a sip of his root beer, but it goes down the wrong way and he starts
COUGHING violently.
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - JANE\'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
Angela lays on the bed, in bra and panties, reading a magazine. Jane, in an
oversized T shirt, plays a video game on her computer.
JANE
I\'m sorry about my dad.
ANGELA
Don\'t be. I think it\'s funny.
JANE
Yeah, to you, he\'s just another guy who wants to jump your bones. But to me...
he\'s just too embarrassing to live.
ANGELA
Your mom\'s the one who\'s embarrassing. What a phony.
Jane glances at Angela, irritated.
ANGELA (cont\'d)
Your dad\'s actually kind of cute.
JANE
Shut up.
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Lester, still in his suit, stands outside Jane\'s room, his ear up against the
door. He can\'t believe what he\'s hearing.
ANGELA (O.C.)
He is. If he just worked out a little, he\'d be hot.
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - JANE\'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
JANE
Shut up.
ANGELA
Oh, come on. Like you\'ve never sneaked a peek at him in his underwear? I bet
he\'s got a big dick.
JANE
You are so grossing me out right now.
ANGELA
(really enjoying this)
If he built up his chest and arms, I would totally fuck him.
Jane covers her ears and starts SINGING to drown her out.
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Lester, still listening, looks like he\'s about to implode.
ANGELA (O.C.)
(laughs)
I would! I would suck your dad\'s big fat dick, and then I would fuck him \'til
his eyes rolled back in his head!
(then)
What was that noise? Jane.
Jane\'s SINGING stops.
ANGELA (O.C.) (cont\'d)
I swear I heard something.
Panicked, Lester scurries down the hall.
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - JANE\'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
JANE
Yeah, it was the sound of you being a huge disgusting pig.
ANGELA
I\'m serious.
We HEAR the sharp TAP of a penny being thrown against glass.
ANGELA (cont\'d)
See?
Angela crosses to the window and looks out.
ANGELA (cont\'d)
(spots something)
Oh my God. Jane.
EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
We see Angela standing at the window in her underwear, looking down at us. Jane
joins her and is immediately unnerved by:
Their POV: In the Burnham\'s DRIVEWAY, the word "JANE" is spelled out in FIRE.
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - JANE\'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
ANGELA
It\'s that psycho next door. Jane, what if he worships you? What if he\'s got a
shrine with pictures of you surrounded by dead people\'s heads and stuff?
JANE
Shit. I bet he\'s filming us right now.
ANGELA
(intrigued)
Really?
EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
On VIDEO: We\'re across from Jane\'s window, looking in. Jane tries to shut the
drapes, but Angela won\'t let her. Irritated, Jane retreats into the room. We
ZOOM toward her, even as Angela poses in the window; we\'re clearly not
interested in Angela. The ZOOM continues, searching for Jane, who has
disappeared. Finally, we settle on the small make-up MIRROR where we see a
REFLECTION of Jane, back at her computer. She\'s smiling. Then suddenly the
DRAPES CLOSE and she\'s gone.
INT. FITTS HOUSE - RICKY\'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Ricky sits in darkness with his DIGICAM, videotaping. He lowers the camera and
smiles... then something below catches his attention. He leans out the window to
get a better look at:
EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE - GARAGE - CONTINUOUS
Ricky\'s POV: Through a WINDOW on the side of the Burnham\'s GARAGE DOOR, we see
Lester, still in his suit, digging through shelves against the back wall.
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - GARAGE - CONTINUOUS
Lester digs through stuff stored on the shelves, searching for something as if
his very life depended on it.
LESTER
Shit. Shit!
He yanks aside COLLEGE YEARBOOKS, a racquetball RACQUET, boxes of old HOT ROD
MAGAZINES, an unopened remote-controlled MODEL JEEP KIT, stacks of old vinyl
LPs... finally his face lights up when he finds:
A pair of DUMBBELLS obviously unused for many years.
Lester rips off his jacket and tie and unbuttons his shirt. He glances around,
finding his REFLECTION in the WINDOW as he pulls off his shirt, then the T-shirt
underneath. He eyes himself critically: Angela was right, he\'s not in bad shape.
Just a few extra pounds around his middle that wouldn\'t be hard to shed. He
kicks off his shoes and begins to step out of his pants.
INT. FITTS HOUSE - RICKY\'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Ricky holds his Digicam up and starts to videotape.
EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE - GARAGE - CONTINUOUS
Ricky\'s POV, on VIDEO: Through a WINDOW on the side of the Burnham\'s garage, we
see Lester step out of his pants and briefs. Then, naked except for his black
socks, he grabs the dumbbells and starts lifting them, watching his reflection
in the window as he does.
INT. FITTS HOUSE - RICKY\'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Ricky stands at the window, videotaping.
RICKY
Welcome to America\'s Weirdest Home Videos.
Suddenly we HEAR someone trying to open a locked door.
COLONEL (O.C.)
Ricky!
Moving swiftly, Ricky pulls the drapes shut and switches on a light. His room is
a haven of high-tech. A state-of-the-art multimedia COMPUTER crowds his desk,
and high-end STEREO and VIDEO EQUIPMENT line the shelves, as well as HUNDREDS OF
CDs. There is easily twenty thousand dollars worth of equipment in this room.
RICKY
Coming, Dad.
COLONEL (O.C.)
You know I don\'t like locked doors in my house, boy.
Ricky opens the door. The Colonel stands outside, eyeing him.
RICKY
I\'m sorry, I must have locked it by accident. So what\'s up?
The Colonel holds out a small PLASTIC CUP WITH A CAP.
COLONEL
I need a urine sample.
RICKY
Wow. It\'s been six months already. Can I give it to you in the morning? I just
took a whiz.
COLONEL
Yeah, I suppose.
(an awkward beat)
Well. Good night, son.
He disappears down the hall. Ricky smiles, shuts and locks his door. He puts the
plastic cup on the shelf, then crosses to a MINI REFRIGERATOR in the corner of
his room and takes out a cup-sized TUPPERWARE CONTAINER from the freezer,
already filled with urine, albeit frozen, and places it on a saucer to thaw
overnight.
INT BURNHAM HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
Carolyn lies sleeping. Lester is awake, staring at the ceiling. After a moment,
he gets up, taking care not to disturb Carolyn, and walks toward the bathroom.
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - MASTER BATH - CONTINUOUS
Lester enters and switches on the LIGHT. The room is filled with STEAM. Lester
looks around, confused, then focuses on:
His POV: Across from us, in a PEDESTAL BATHTUB, is Angela. She smiles and
beckons us, and we MOVE CLOSER. ROSE PETALS float on the surface of the water,
obscuring her naked body.
ANGELA
I\'ve been waiting for you.
Lester kneels by the bathtub like a man in church.
ANGELA (cont\'d)
You\'ve been working out, haven\'t you? I can tell.
She arches her back and looks up at him provocatively.
ANGELA (cont\'d)
I was hoping you\'d give me a bath... I\'m very, very dirty.
Lester gives her a hard look, then slowly slips his hand into the water between
her legs. Her eyes widen and she throws her head back... and we SMASH CUT TO:
INT. BURNHAM HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
CLOSE on Carolyn, her eyes wide, listening to the rhythmic BRUSH of Lester\'s
hand as he masturbates under the covers.
She flips over and faces him.
CAROLYN
What are you doing?
A beat.
LESTER
Nothing.
Carolyn switches on the bedside LIGHT.
CAROLYN
You were masturbating.
LESTER
I was not.
CAROLYN
Yes, you were.
He turns to her, trying to look innocent, then gives up.
LESTER
All right, so shoot me. I was whacking off.
Carolyn gets out of bed, repelled. Lester LAUGHS.
LESTER (cont\'d)
That\'s right. I was choking the bishop. Shaving the carrot. Saying hi to my
monster.
CAROLYN
That\'s disgusting.
LESTER
Well, excuse me, but I still have blood pumping through my veins!
CAROLYN
So do I!
LESTER
Really? I\'m the only one who seems to be doing anything about it.
CAROLYN
Lester. I refuse to live like this. This is not a marriage.
LESTER
This hasn\'t been a marriage for years. But you were happy as long as I kept my
mouth shut. Well, guess what? I\'ve changed. And the new me whacks off when he
feels horny, because you\'re obviously not going to help me out in that
department.
CAROLYN
Oh. I see. You think you\'re the only one who\'s sexually frustrated?
LESTER
I\'m not? Well then, come on, baby! I\'m ready.
CAROLYN
(furious)
Do not mess with me, mister, or I will divorce you so fast it\'ll make your head
spin!
LESTER
On what grounds? I\'m not a drunk, I don\'t fuck other women, I don\'t mistreat
you, I\'ve never hit you, or even tried to touch you since you made it so
abundantly clear just how unnecessary you consider me to be. But. I did support
you while you got your license. And some people might think that entitles me to
half of what\'s yours.
She sinks into a chair, stunned. It\'s clear he knows where she\'s most
vulnerable. He sees this, and likes it; it feels good to win for a change. He
curls up under the covers contentedly.
LESTER (cont\'d)
Turn out the light when you come to bed, okay?
CLOSE on Lester, smiling.
EXT. ROBIN HOOD TRAIL - EARLY MORNING
We\'re FLYING high above the neighborhood. Below us we see the two Jims, jogging.
We APPROACH them steadily.
LESTER
It\'s a GREat thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise
yourself. Makes you wonder what else you can do that you\'ve forgotten about.
EXT. ROBIN HOOD TRAIL - CONTINUOUS
We\'re now at street level, FOLLOWING the two Jims.
LESTER
Hey! You guys!
Still running, the Jims turn back in perfect unison, as Lester runs INTO FRAME,
wearing a baggy sweatshirt and a pair of faded old sweatpants. The Jims slow
down until he catches up, then the three men run together in the early morning
light.
JIM #2
Lester, I didn\'t know you ran.
LESTER
(panting)
Well, I just started.
JIM #1
Good for you.
LESTER
I figured you guys might be able to give me some pointers. I need to shape up.
Fast.
JIM #1
Well, are you just looking to lose weight, or do you want have increased
strength and flexibility as well?
LESTER
I want to look good naked.
EXT. FITTS HOUSE - A SHORT TIME LATER
The Colonel is washing his Ford Explorer, squatting to scrub the bumper, when
something Catches his eye:
His POV: Lester and the Jims jog down the street.
The Colonel stands, scowling, as Ricky comes out of the house, holding the URINE
SAMPLE in front of him.
COLONEL
What is this, the fucking gay pride parade?
Lester breaks off from the two Jims and jogs up to Ricky and the Colonel, out of
breath. He grabs hold of his knees and bends over, panting.
LESTER
Hey! Yo! Ricky!
(re: the Jims)
My entire life is passing before my eyes, and those two have barely broken a
sweat.
He LAUGHS, and extends his hand to the Colonel.
LESTER (cont\'d)
Sorry, hi. Lester Burnham, I live next door. We haven\'t met.
COLONEL
(shakes)
COLONEL Frank Fitts, U.S. Marine Corps.
LESTER
Whoa. Welcome to the neighborhood, sir.
He salutes the Colonel good-naturedly, grinning. The Colonel doesn\'t think it\'s
funny. An awkward beat.
LESTER (cont\'d)
So, Ricky, uh, I was thinking about the, uh... I was gonna... the movie we
talked about...
RICKY
(quickly)
Re-Animator.
LESTER
Yeah!
RICKY
You want to borrow it?
(before Lester can answer)
Okay, it\'s up in my room. Come on.
He heads into the house. Lester waves at the Colonel, then follows him. The
Colonel watches them go, his eyes dark.
INT. FITTS HOUSE - RICKY\'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Ricky enters, followed by Lester.
RICKY
Can you hold this for a sec?
LESTER
Sure.
He gives the URINE SPECIMEN to Lester, then locks the door.
RICKY
I don\'t think my dad would try to come in when somebody else is here, but you
never know.
Ricky crosses to a bureau and opens a DRAWER. He takes clothing out and piles it
on his bed.
LESTER
(re: urine sample)
What is this?
RICKY
Urine. I have to take a drug test every six months to make sure I\'m clean.
LESTER
Are you kidding? You just smoked with me last night.
RICKY
It\'s not mine. One of my clients is a nurse in a pediatrician\'s office. I cut
her a deal, she keeps me in clean piss.
Lester picks up a CD case from a shelf and examines it.
LESTER
You like Pink Floyd?
RICKY
I like a lot of music.
LESTER
Man, I haven\'t listened to this album in years.
He shakes his head, then puts the CD case down. Ricky, having emptied the
drawer, now removes a FALSE BOTTOM, revealing rows of MARIJUANA, tightly packed
in ZIP-LOC BAGS.
RICKY
How much do you want?
LESTER
I don\'t know, it\'s been a while. How much is an ounce?
RICKY
(indicates bag)
Well, this is totally decent, and it\'s three hundred.
LESTER
Wow.
RICKY
(indicates another bag)
But this shit is top of the line. It\'s called G-13. Genetically engineered by
the U.S. Government. Extremely potent. But a completely mellow high, no
paranoia.
LESTER
Is that what we smoked last night?
RICKY
This is all I ever smoke.
LESTER
How much?
RICKY
Two grand.
LESTER
Jesus. Things have changed since 1973.
RICKY
You don\'t have to pay now. I know you\'re good for it.
A beat.
LESTER
Thanks.
RICKY
(hands him a bag)
There\'s a card in there with my beeper number, call me anytime day or night. And
I only accept cash.
LESTER
(looks around room)
Well, now I know how you can afford all this equipment. When I was your age, I
flipped burgers all summer just to be able to buy an eight track.
RICKY
That sucks.
LESTER
No actually, it was GREat. All I did was party and get laid.
(smiles)
I had my whole life ahead of me...
RICKY
My dad thinks I pay for all this with catering jobs.
(off Lester\'s look)
Never underestimate the power of denial.
Lester smiles. This kid\'s cool.
EXT. BURNHAM HOUSE - LATER
Carolyn, carrying a basket of fresh cut ROSES, passes by the GARAGE WINDOW. From
inside the garage, we HEAR ROCK MUSIC.
Carolyn stops and SNIFFS the air, frowning. She peers through the window.
Her POV: Lester, in a T-shirt and gym shorts, lies on a new WEIGHT BENCH, doing
bench presses with shiny new BARBELLS.
INT. GARAGE - CONTINUOUS
ROCK MUSIC blasts from a new BOOMBOX on the floor.
The garage is in the process of becoming Lester\'s sanctuary. An ugly but
comfortable 70\'s BOWL CHAIR has been pulled out and cleaned off, his old hot rod
magazines strewn across it, and the remote-controlled MODEL JEEP KIT is spread
across a card table. The SHELVES that Lester tore through earlier have been
dismantled, leaving a blank wall on which now hangs a DART BOARD.
Lester finishes his last rep, straining, then puts the weights in their rack and
sits up. As he takes a drag off a joint, the GARAGE DOOR suddenly starts to
open. Lester looks up, squinting at:
His POV: The door raises to reveal Carolyn, silhouetted against the bright
sunlight outside, pointing a REMOTE at us.
LESTER
Uh-oh, mom\'s mad.
CAROLYN
What the hell do you think you\'re doing?
LESTER
Bench presses. I\'m going to wail on my pecs, and then I\'m going to do my back.
CAROLYN
I see you\'re smoking pot now. I\'m so glad. I think using illegal psychotropic
substances is a very positive example to set for our daughter.
LESTER
You\'re one to talk, you bloodless, money- grubbing freak.
CAROLYN
(hostile)
Lester. You have such hostility in you!
LESTER
Do you mind? I\'m trying to work out here.
(then, suggestively)
Unless you want to spot me.
CAROLYN
You will not get away with this. You can be sure of that!
And she\'s gone. Lester leans back on the bench and grabs the weights.
LESTER
(as he lifts)
That\'s. What. You. Think.
INT. BRAD\'S OFFICE - DAY
Brad is seated behind his desk, reading a document. Lester sits across from him,
smiling.
BRAD
(reads)
"...my job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge,
and, at least once a day, retiring to the men\'s room so I can jerk off, while I
fantasize about a life that doesn\'t so closely resemble hell."
(looks up at Lester)
Well, you obviously have no interest in saving yourself.
LESTER
(laughs)
Brad, for fourteen years I\'ve been a whore for the advertising industry. The
only way I could save myself now is if I start firebombing.
BRAD
Whatever. Management wants you gone by the end of the day.
LESTER
Well, just what sort of severance package is "management" prepared to offer me?
Considering the information I have about our editorial director buying pussy
with company money.
A beat.
LESTER (cont\'d)
Which I\'m sure would interest the I.R.S., since it technically constitutes
fraud. And I\'m sure that some of our advertisers and rival publications might
like to know about it as well. Not to mention, Craig\'s wife.
Brad sighs.
BRAD
What do you want?
LESTER
One year\'s salary, with benefits.
BRAD
That\'s not going to happen.
LESTER
Well, what do you say I throw in a little sexual harassment charge to boot?
Brad LAUGHS.
BRAD
Against who?
LESTER
Against you.
Brad stops laughing.
LESTER (cont\'d)
Can you prove you didn\'t offer to save my job if I\'d let you blow me?
Brad leans back in his chair, studying Lester.
BRAD
Man. You are one twisted fuck.
LESTER
(standing)
Nope. I\'m just an ordinary guy with nothing to lose.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER
Exhilarated, Lester walks down a corridor, his belongings in a box on his
shoulder. He\'s happier than he\'s been in years.
LESTER
Yeah!
INT. RESTAURANT - LATER THAT DAY
Carolyn sits at a table, lost in thought. There are two menus on the table.
After a moment, Buddy Kane, the Real Estate King, joins her. Carolyn immediately
becomes warm and gracious.
BUDDY
Carolyn.
CAROLYN
Buddy.
Carolyn smiles, genuinely touched that he remembers her name.
BUDDY
I\'m so sorry I kept you waiting. Christy left for New York this morning, and...
let\'s just say things were very hectic around the house.
CAROLYN
What\'s she doing in New York?
BUDDY
She\'s moving there.
(off Carolyn\'s look)
Yes. We are splitting up.
CAROLYN
Buddy. I\'m so sorry.
BUDDY
(bitterly)
Yes, according to her, I\'m too focused on my career. As if being driven to
succeed is some sort of character flaw. Well, she certainly knew how to take
advantage of the lifestyle my success afforded her. Oh. Wow.
(then, laughing)
Ah, it\'s for the best.
CAROLYN
When I saw you two at the party the other night, you seemed perfectly happy.
BUDDY
Well, call me crazy, but it is my philosophy that in order to be successful, one
must project an image of success, at all times.
He smiles, then opens his menu. Carolyn picks hers up mechanically, but
continues to stare at him, enraptured, like a fervent Christian who\'s just come
face to face with Jesus.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL CAMPUS - LATER THAT DAY
Ricky stands with his DIGICAM, videotaping something on the ground at his feet.
On VIDEO: A DEAD BIRD lays on the ground, decomposing.
ANGELA (O.C.)
What are you doing?
On VIDEO: The camera JERKS up to discover Jane and Angela staring at us.
RICKY (O.C.)
I was filming this dead bird.
ANGELA
Why?
RICKY (O.C.)
Because it\'s beautiful.
On VIDEO: Angela looks at Jane, trying not to laugh.
ANGELA
I think maybe you forgot your medication today, mental boy.
On VIDEO: She falls out of frame as we ZOOM toward Jane.
RICKY (O.C.)
Hi, Jane.
JANE
(uncomfortable)
Look. I want you to stop filming me.
Ricky lowers the Digicam.
RICKY
Okay.
He looks at her, curious, his eyes searching hers. She doesn\'t look away.
ANGELA
Well, whatever.
(to Jane)
This is boring. Let\'s go.
JANE
(to Ricky)
Do you need a ride?
ANGELA
(to Jane)
Are you crazy? I don\'t want to end up hacked to pieces in a dumpster somewhere.
RICKY
It\'s okay. I\'ll walk. But thanks.
ANGELA
Yeah, see? He doesn\'t want to go anyway. C\'mon, let\'s go.
Angela starts off, but Jane doesn\'t follow. Ricky smiles at her. She almost
smiles back, then:
JANE
(calls off to Angela)
I think I\'m going to walk, too.
Angela stops and stares at her.
ANGELA
What? Jane, that\'s like, almost a mile.
EXT. TOP HAT MOTEL - LATER THAT DAY
Carolyn\'s Mercedes is parked next to a JAGUAR CONVERTIBLE with a VANITY LICENSE
PLATE that reads "R E KING."
INT. TOP HAT MOTEL - CONTINUOUS
Carolyn and Buddy are in the middle of sex.
CAROLYN
Yes! Oh, God! I love it!
BUDDY
You like getting nailed by the king?
CAROLYN
Oh yes! I love it! Fuck me, your majesty!
EXT. STREET - LATER THAT DAY
Lester\'s TOYOTA CAMRY cruises through the streets. We hear Lester SINGING along
to "AMERICAN WOMAN" on the STEREO.
INT. TOYOTA CAMRY - CONTINUOUS
Lester is driving, smoking a joint.
LESTER
AMERICAN WOMAN, STAY AWAY FROM ME... AMERICAN WOMAN, MAMA LET ME BE... DON\'T
COME A HANGIN\' AROUND MY DOOR... I DON\'T WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE NO MORE...
EXT. MR. SMILEY\'S - CONTINUOUS
Lester continues singing along to "AMERICAN WOMAN," as the Camry pulls into the
parking lot of a FAST FOOD RESTAURANT.
Lester pulls up to the drive-thru speaker box.
DRIVE-THRU GIRL (O.C.)
(over speaker box)
Smile you\'re at Mr. Smiley\'s.
Lester turns down the volume on the stereo.
LESTER
What?
DRIVE-THRU GIRL (O.C.)
Would you like to try our new bacon and egg fajita just a dollar twenty-nine for
a limited time only.
LESTER
Uh... no. But thank you.
(reading menu)
I\'ll have a Big Barn Burger, Smiley fries, and an orange soda.
DRIVE-THRU GIRL (O.C.)
Please drive up to the window, thank you.
He pulls the car around to the WINDOW, where a teenage GIRL wearing a headset is
waiting.
DRIVE-THRU GIRL (cont\'d)
Smile, you\'re at Mr. Smiley\'s, that\'ll be four eighty-nine, please.
Lester pays her. As she hands him his food, he notices a SIGN in the corner of
the window that reads:
NOW TAKING APPLICATIONS
COUNTER GIRL
Would you like some Smiley Sauce?
LESTER
No. No, actually... I\'d like to fill out an application.
She stares at him, confused by his age and attire.
COUNTER GIRL
There\'s not jobs for manager, it\'s just for counter.
LESTER
Good. I\'m looking for the least possible amount of responsibility.
INT. MR. SMILEY\'S - A SHORT TIME LATER
Lester sits at a booth with the MANAGER, a GRE
