题目:Reduce Waste on Campus
要点:
1. 有些大学校园浪费现象日益严重;
2. 浪费的危害;
3. 杜绝浪费,从我做起。
下面是一名考生的作文原文:
Reduce Waste on Campus
Nowadays, the phenomenon of waste on campus is very common. For example, students go away without turning off the tap after washing clothes, the last student leaves the classroom with the lights on and a lot of food is left after meals. Students even spend several thousand yuan to celebrate birthdays. Clearly, waste is becoming more and more serious on campus.
Though our country is developing very rapidly,
Therefore, reducing waste must be done from ourselves right now. We should lead a simple life even when we are rich, try to save every penny, treasure the food and promote the goodness of being thrifty. Only by doing this, we can stand a good chance of reducing waste on campus by a large extent.
[点评] 总体来说,这篇作文切题,包含了要点中的三点。文章层次清楚,事理基本符合逻辑,结构完整,文字比较流畅,但有少量语言错误。根据评分标准,该篇作文可归为11分档。
该考生有一定的英语基础,词汇量比较大,如运用了the phenomenon of waste,for example, turning off,with the lights on,first, se-cond, finally, being thrifty and simple, depend on...for, is harmful to, provide for, lead a simple life, treasure, promote, stand a good chance of 等词和短语;在语法方面,能够比较熟练地使用从句和动名词。但是,在词汇的搭配、习语和文章的布局方面需要进一步加强和注意。
下面就不足之处进行简单评析。
1. 语法和词汇方面的错误。
(1)students, the last student,都改用some students...比较好,使前后人称一致。
(2)spend several thousand yuan to celebrate birthdays,应用spend several thousand yuan on a birthday celebration, 一般用spend money on sth. / (in) doing sth.。
(3)第二段中第一句话与本段的关系不是很密切,可以去掉。
(4)代词指代:第二段第三句中的one’s 应改为our,与we保持一致。
(5)谓语动词:第二段第四句which is ... and make us...中,make应改为makes与主语which 保持一致。最后一句里,the waste resources中,waste作形容词用时意思是“废弃的, 荒芜的, 多余的”,此处表示“被学生浪费掉的东西”应该用其过去分词“wasted”。
(6)第三段中reducing waste must be done from ourselves right now,虽然没有语法错误,但是中文味太浓。“从我做起”英文可以用take the lead in doing something; set a good example to others in doing something或lead a charge in combating waste。此句可改为:To put an end to the waste on campus, I will take a lead in reducing it.
(7)在Only by doing this, we can stand a good chance of reducing waste on campus by a large extent.中,only 在句首强调介词短语by doing this时,主句应倒装。此句应改为:Only by doing this, can we stand a good chance...。此外,by a large extent应改为to a large extent 或by a big margin。
2.文章布局方面的不足。
(1)第一段重点是谈“浪费现象日益严重”。主体是“学生”,行为是“浪费”。此段略写的话,可以只陈述浪费现象,并使用更简洁的语言。如:Now in some universities of
(2)第二段的要点是谈“浪费的危害”。原文中语言不够精练。此段的主体是“浪费”,行为是“危害”,主语用“waste”较好。如果需要可以对“危害”的结果适当展开(如下例中的划线部分)。如:Waste may encourage some students’ prolonged financial dependence on their parents, which is detrimental to both their future and our nation in that a dependent generation can never fulfill the dream of building our country into a powerful and independent country in this competitive world.
(3)第三段的要点是“从我做起”。此段的主体是“我”,行为是“如何杜绝浪费”。
根据以上的分析,原文的第一和第三段可略写,第二段可以适当扩充。修改稿如下:
Reduce Waste on Campus
Nowadays, the phenomenon of waste can be found almost everywhere on campus, from leaving the tap running after washing, keeping the lights on when leaving the classroom to dumping a lot of food in the garbage can. Some students even spend several thousand yuan on a birthday celebration. In a sense, waste on campus has become more serious than ever.
The negative effects of waste are obvious. First, it does not conform to our traditional virtue of thrift. Second, it may foster our prolonged financial dependence on our parents, which is detrimental to both our future and our nation in that a dependent generation can never fulfill the dream of building our country into a powerful and independent one in this competitive world. Finally, it damages our image as college students because of the undeniable fact that quite a few people in
To reverse the trend, I am determined to take the lead in combating waste, trying to save every grain and cent and call on more schoolmates to practise thrift and reduce waste. Only in this way, I think, can we hope to put an end to the waste on campus as soon as possible.
